i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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