You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We are all done wearing pants today
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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