It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
