My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
