I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I have tasted many bathrooms
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
