she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
