remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
