We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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