does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
