Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
