If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
