You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
