We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
