If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize