it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
and she was petting her beer can
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
