2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
