you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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