Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
