You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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