Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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