God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
