watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
