At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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