Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
