When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
jump out the window naked night went bad
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
