i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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