What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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