Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
