he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
