Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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