Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
