i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
