Only a mothe r could love this liver
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
