ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
