We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
