my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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