Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize