i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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