peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So much rum. So many feels.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
