2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
