Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize