im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
