I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize