i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
