she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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