Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
