new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
