So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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