Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
