How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize