and you said cock pushups were impossible
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
