The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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