My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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