____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
