I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
