I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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