fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i think i have herpe
just one?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
