I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We had to coat check the pizza.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
