Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
