There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
