i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
