Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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