it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
