Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
