I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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