I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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