Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
