I met the friendliest cop last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
