Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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