how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
