Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
